Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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