Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
