the condom got lost in my hair
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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