its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
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