So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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