i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
