She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
