Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Randomize
