I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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