I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
31 Times Kim Kardashian Showed Her Love For Balmain
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
19 Tricks To Help You Join The Mile High Club
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.