I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
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You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
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Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?