Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
