ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
