ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
