Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
