Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
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