I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.