You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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