Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
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IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
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Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots