I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
