You can't special order awesome
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Randomize
