dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
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