Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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