She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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