When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
