I wish my penis had an off switch
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
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