It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
