I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
