I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
