I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
