He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
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