Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize