Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
