My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
