good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i was born a porn star she said
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
