Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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