I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
