On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
