I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
