You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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