dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
