i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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