I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
