I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
