i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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