I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
