I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
