thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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