I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
