life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
