Having a random hookup so left but love u
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
