The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
