so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
