We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Randomize
