so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
