if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
