I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Randomize
