By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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