i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I have tasted many bathrooms
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
