I need to stop coming to work sober
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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