Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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