I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
