there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
