She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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